Dear Family: Please Let Me Shower Alone!

Okay, so one of the big bits of advice that every soon-to-be mum gets upon announcing her imminent doom arrival is the old “YOU’LL NEVER SHOWER ALONE AGAIN!”

So I’d prepared for this, I was sort of okay with this. When baby arrived, I first found that actually I NEVER SHOWERED AT ALL! Then the newborn haze began to fade and I returned to an appropriate hygiene routine. Hubby was good at watching the child while I bathed, and if he wasn’t there, the baby would sometimes sit happily in his bouncer outside the shower door. I’d done it! I’d mastered the art of showering alone!

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Along comes the Toddler years. Now I can’t ignore him the way I ignore a baby because he really has mastered the art of making himself heard. If I shower in the early evening, no matter where Toddler is or if he’s already bathed, he will seek me out and want to shower with me.

As I’m not often an early evening showerer, I usually don’t mind this. I drag him in and wash his hair while he plays with trucks on the bottom of the shower. Sometimes he’ll even soap my legs for me which is super helpful when you have a whale pregnant belly like mine.

No, Toddler really isn’t the problem at all and I kindly refer you back to the title of the post. It isn’t a DEAR TODDLER post. No, it’s addressed to the whole bloody household.

So, if I bathe myself in the early evening, I end up with Toddler. If I shower at prime time once Toddler goes to bed, I end up with Husband joining me.

Now, Husband being a full grown adult (physically at least), takes up entirely too much space in the shower cubicle. Me, being a pregnant whale goddess, takes up even more space than he and I have to spend the entire time listening to his not-so-subtle hints about my belly getting all the hot water. This has started to bug me enough that I have strictly enforced a ‘no teasing Emily in the shower’ rule… A rule that goes largely unheeded.

Alright I’m a bit of an insomniac during pregnancies, so I generally stay up quite late and have now moved my general showering time to after both Toddler and Husband are asleep. You’d think this was a brilliant strategy, except that I’m now joined by none other than the FUCKING CAT!

PicsArt_05-13-09.05.18
Before I’ve even gotten in the shower he’s there waiting.

Granted, Paddy-Cat doesn’t get into the shower with me (self cleaning pet, thank you very much), but he’ll sit superciliously outside of the cubicle, waiting for me to finish so that he can proceed to lick the water from inside the shower door.

Christ Almighty, Cat, don’t I provide you with enough H2O in that pretty ceramic bowl I purchased for you? Are you really so dying of dehydration at 10:00pm at night that you simply MUST wait for me to shower so you can sate your thirst on condensation? Really, I’ll never understand it.

Tips for showering alone without Toddler/Husband/Cat involvement is always welcome. Thank you for listening to my rant.

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